Reconciliation

I'm recording a very cool spiritual experience for myself and my posterity that's occured over the past week or so.

Two weeks ago, Brother Goulding - our second counselor in the bishopric - emailed me asking if I would give a talk. After accepting he asked me to speak on Elder Rasband's talk "Be Not Troubled." As I read through the talk and made initial annotations and notes, I started to get a general idea of what I would say.

The next weekend I wasn't at church - I was actually in Leavenworth for a retreat. My girlfriend Suanne carpooled with me and we spent the afternoon together walking through the shops and waiting for the other directors to arrive. We made a pit stop at a little shop and I confided in her about something that's been bothering me lately. Not only has it been bothering me lately, it's actually been bothering me for a couple of years now. Let me explain:

Two years ago I rejoined Mary Kay with a new sales director. My previous experience exposed me to the wonderful big picture of what my business could be for me and what it could do for my family. I owe many thanks to my previous director for doing that for me. However, ultimately it was not a good fit for me. So, I intentionally timed out for a year and resigned with a local director that I trusted. Eight months after that decision I became a sales director myself (top 2% of all of Mary Kay), and my family and I have had the blessings of this business opportunity ever since. Not only has it provided additional income that allowed Justin to leave his regular job to pursue his own entreprenurial venture, it's surrounded me with women who uplift one another, think big, and has given me a leadership role that I thrive in. Clearly, my choice was the right choice for me and my family, as has been manifest from the many blessings that have come; not to mention the decision was made after thoughtful prayer and receiving direction from divine inspiration.

However, I have always been bothered by the fact that making that choice consequently hurt that other person. Since then I've continually reminded myself to forgive myself and move on; however this particular afternoon while sitting with my girlfriend Suanne, I felt the spirit prompt me to ask for her advice. She so clearly and concisely was able to see my situation for what it was and put it into words for me: she said, "Kelsey - you don't regret the decision you made; you regret that you hurt another person's feelings." You see I have not been able to fully understand or separate the two until she said it straight to my face. She said to me, "I think this is what has been really holding you back," and I had to agree with her. Because in Mary Kay we teach two philosophies: God first, family second, career third AND the golden rule. It's not exactly 'golden rule' to sign up with another director. However, as I said above, that decision came after thoughtful consideration, and I know that for me it was the right decision, even if it perceived as wrong from other points of view. Even knowing that still, part of me has had some sense of guilt after achieving each milestone in my business. And it makes sense... as a woman of integrity, it's no wonder I felt this way.

Suanne then said to me (while I shed a tear or two) that I needed to write her an apology. "Keep it short," she advised. And so, following the retreat and upon returning home, I listened to Elder Holland's talk "The Ministry of Reconciliation." One phrase stood out so poignantly to me: "If you know of an old injury, repair it."

It was at this same time that I got Mom's email regarding Dad's diagnosis - the original one where they needed to go back to confirm if there was any spreading. Originally Dad had been told that he had a mass on his kidney that they determined was 90% cancer, and they needed to see if it had metastasized to his lungs. So that night after putting the kids to bed, Justin asked me if there was anything he could do for me. I asked for some alone time to process everything, and used some of that time to write my apology letter.

The tricky part of this was the "sorry, not sorry" theme that I wanted to steer away from. I wasn't sorry for my choice but I was sorry for the consequence of it. So I did my best to make sure I didn't make it about me - I owned up to the fact that I wasn't mature about how I handled it. At the time, I didn't know what to say to her, so I said nothing. That's not being considerate and as I said earlier, those things have always bothered me. So I apologized for those things. I even cited Elder Holland's talk, explaining that as much as the apology probably seemed 'out of the blue' - I wanted to "do the thing which you might never have another chance to do."

The next morning - with a little creativity - I was able to mail it out. I tried to do this quickly and deliberately- before I could talk myself out of it or think it to the ground for all the million reasons why it might be a bad idea. Fear gives you a million excuses NOT to do something - faith says do it anyway.

That very day Mom sent an email that Dad's presumed 'mass' was a cyst with a 5% chance of cancer. Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions! Dad has always been Mr. Incredible - the invincible spiritual giant and leader in everything he does. His influence has affected so many people. I have always been so proud to be Seth Beal's daughter.

And so - through the ministry of reconciliation we can also see the miracles of reconciliation. While Dad's diagnosis was completely unrelated, the timing for me was not.

Now that all of this had occured, I needed to take my focus back to preparing for my talk for this Sunday - the one centered on Elder Rasband's talk "Be Not Troubled." Throughout the week, I struggled putting my talk together, which isn't a normal experience for me when preparing to speak. I couldn't get Elder Holland's talk out of my head. And so, last night at our ward Halloween party (which I did NOT have to plan - hallelujah), I saw Brother Goulding and brought up the proposition of changing topics. He told me to go for it - "Do what the spirit directs," he said.

So once again, after putting kids down for bed (and with a little help from Dr. Pepper), I printed off Elder Holland's talk and began to read. The preparation for my talk flowed easily. I knew what I wanted to touch on, what experiences I wanted to share, and by 11:00 I was finished.

This morning our youth met at 10:15 to practice our musical number "Peace in Christ" which I accompanied. We finished practicing at about 10:40 so while I waited for Justin to arrive with the kids, I went to the bathroom and practiced my talk in a stall and added a few last-minute notes.

After the first speaker, the youth sang our song. It was so powerful! I was the concluding speaker. I felt the spirit while I shared my different experiences and insights from my study on reconciliation. Not only did I share my more recent experience, I also shared an experience in college where there was a girl I played sports against who did NOT like me. I remember saying today, "I am HIGHLY naive - if you don't like me, I have NO idea," which is true! But after learning this girl definitely did not like me, there was a little bit of 'drama.' A year later in a Book of Mormon class, our teacher gave us an assignment that we needed to either forgive someone or ask for someone's forgiveness. Immediately her name popped into my head. It had been over a year later, and this person was now serving a mission. Then I'll never forget what the teacher said, "If someone has just popped into your head, that is the person you need to do this assignment for." So - being obedient - I found a way to write to her telling her that I forgave her. She actually ended up writing me back, saying she had been feeling bad about her ill feelings toward me but had no way of apologizing to me because she was on her mission! But then my letter arrived giving her the return address she needed to write to me.

I talked about the meekness and courage it takes to reconcile with each other. Many times differences have occured from many years ago. Too often we can make up a million excuses for not reconciling with each other - one of those being the fear we feel for how our efforts will be received. Will they be taken the wrong way? At the time of writing this, I don't know how my apology letter was received from my previous director; but I do know how my offering was received from my Savior. And by partaking of this part of the atonement, I can finally release the guilt and shame I have felt for hurting another person. I shared about the words from the song we had been practicing for many weeks now -
There is peace in Christ when we learn of Him
Feel the love He felt for us when He bore our sin
Listen to His words, let them come alive
When we know Him as He is, there is peace in Christ

Bishop took the last 5 minutes and we sang the closing hymn: Lord, I would follow thee. There are a few phrases that stood out: Savior, may I love my brother as I know thou lovest me // pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own // who am I to judge another? // I would be my brother's keeper.

People came up to me afterward and were gracious and kind in their comments. I felt the spirit confirm to me why I was having such a hard time with my previous assigned topic. This was the message that needed to be shared today. The fallout of it continued throughout the day. We went to tithing settlement and a woman I had never met came up to me. She said she was going to write to a family member that she needed to reconcile with, and thanked me for my talk. During our tithing settlement, Bishop told me that just this morning he had learned of an issue between a couple of ward members that needed reconciling, and that my talk was exactly what they needed to hear. Again, I was filled with gratitude and a confirmation that came through following my gut and listening to the subtle promptings of the Holy Ghost to change topics when I felt like my previous assigned topic needed to go in a new direction.

Today we had Bishop's Youth Discussion and our bishop brough it up yet again. At this point it did feel a bit like overkill - however - while the human side of me can't help but feel a little proud at the acknowledgement of a job well done, overall I am grateful. I'm grateful for making the choice to be humble and meek enough to admit where I made a mistake, that I had the courage to do something about it, and that I followed the whispering of the spirit so that my experiences could go on to bless other people in their own pursuits toward reconciliation in the relationships in their lives.